What you need if you’re raising insane kittens who seem to know absolutely nothing

Nothing quite captures all of the changes in my life right now as well as our new baby kittens Fig and Larry. In the past six months, Brent and I have gotten engaged (on our five-year anniversary!), we moved apartments (from the Mission to Pac Heights), I started a new job (at WIRED), we lost our sweet cat Pheeb Louise (serious bummer), and—finally—we welcomed two nine-week-old kittens who are possibly insane, but definitely cute. Photos first, shall we?

I mean, what even. Look at these purrballs.

At first, I wanted another old cat. I’ve got a thing for the cats that no one else wants. We adopted Pheebs when she was nine and I just loved having an old lady around the house. Once Brent convinced me to get kittens, I sent him photos of every blind kitten I could find, including one that the Craigslist post described as “blind and wobbly.” C’mon, Brent. I clearly need the wobbly cat.

As usual, Brent was right. I needed a wobbly cat break. After the giant emotional disaster that was losing (v wobbly) Pheeb, two healthy kittens were a really good idea. So, Fig and Larry arrived at our house at exactly 9 a.m. on a Saturday—just like they were supposed to. If you’re looking to adopt a cat in the Bay Area, check out ICRA East Bay. The folks there are amazing and brilliant cat lovers.

They are the most adorable tiny, snuggly, playful creatures in the world. They both just cry and cry when they can’t find each other. (Even if they are just sitting on the couch facing separate directions. It’s cute still, so it’s fine. But also, dude, she’s seriously right there.) UGH I LOVE THEM.

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Before they arrived, we bought our kittens a ton of crap. We couldn’t even wait for their furry little butts to get here, so we spent all our time stocking up on cat nonsense. Some of it was more expensive than I’d like to admit, but at least we put back the $89 cat scratcher with a nest on top. That’s why it kills me that their ABSOLUTE favorite toy in all of their lives is the Cat Dancer. This freaking toy is $3.50 and my cat thinks it’s the only thing that’s ever mattered. FFS. It’s a wire with weird paper cardboard little rolls stuck onto it. Just look at it. I’d take a photo of ours but I can’t pry it out of Larry’s little devil jaw. They love it more than they will every love us.

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Also, are you getting a cat? Do you have a cat? Stop everything and buy this book.

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The book Think Like a Cat: How to Raise a Well-Adjusted Cat–Not a Sour Puss was written by a cat wizard. It’s easy too read, broken out into sections and has literally all of the answers. It’s like Pam Johnson-Bennett just pried into my brain and wrote her book according to every time I didn’t understand why my ridiculous kittens do what they do. Which is all of the time. It’s the best $10.91 you’ll ever spend. Bless you, Pam.

One last thing. My amazing coworkers threw me a kitten shower. In the office. I am serious. They are amazing, but also insane, but definitely not as insane as I am. They too bought my kittens a ton of presents, and one stood out above the rest. Every night, even though we never trained them to do this, Fig and Larry get up, walk into our bedroom and put themselves to bed in this cat Scratch Lounge. I do not understand why they do it (every night, pretty close to 10:30 p.m.) but they do it. And they don’t get out until we get up in the morning. I feel like this will be a good thing as some point so I am calling it a win. Just look at this ridiculous video. The only thing better than this $24.99 cat bed is the company’s promotional materials.

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Last thing we swear by now: Grannick’s Bitter Apple Original Dog Spray. Spray this stuff on the plant (that Brent worked so freaking hard to bring back to life after Pheeb attacked the living daylights out of it) and they stop eating the plant. Spray it on the cords and they stop chewing the cords. Unfortunately we learned this one MacBook Pro charger too late. Thanks, Fig. It’s actually fine because she is so cute it hurts. Save your things from being destroyed. Spend the $7.

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Those are all the magic tools we’ve discovered in our first two week in Kittenville. Kitten-raising tips, favorite product suggestions and general cat talk welcome! Who knows what they’ll get into next. (Also, did you see how cute they are? My god.)

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